You Can Work Through Confusion and Sadness!!!

              Is confusion and sadness always bad?  My answer is no.  I don’t like admitting out loud anything that isn’t positive, but I feel deep inside me that my answer is correct.  By admitting to this kind of “negative” belief I may not be understood, but I DESERVE the chance to be heard.

               I have admitted to my past mistakes with drugs and depression, but the harm I have caused myself in the past goes much deeper.  I NEVER thought I could admit to what I am about to say, but I have faith that someone will understand.  I am a self-mutilator, I am a cutter.  When I say “I am” I don’t currently practice that type of destructive behavior, but it is part of my past, therefore it is a part of me.

               For those that don’t understand, a cutter is someone who physically cuts themselves with a sharp object, usually a razor blade until they bleed.  There are those who take this practice to extremes which can result in accidental death, but for me it never went that far.  The behavior I was involved in was mostly superficial, but still dangerous.

               Obviously if you have read my previous blogs you know that I have engaged in other self-destructive behaviors, like drugs.  Though to be completely honest “cutting” myself was something I did long before I was using drugs.

               At this very moment I am struggling with the admission of my history of self-destruction, but if I am going to TRULY recover I need to admit and deal with ALL my past actions.  I am sure many people have been touched personally by drug addiction, though other self-destructive behaviors aren’t always as predominant in people’s daily lives.

               When I said earlier that confusion and sadness isn’t always bad I am referring to the feelings people have when working through the issues of their past.  I have admitted to VERY FEW that I have engaged in “cutting” myself.  More people know about my drug addiction, mainly because I felt that I would encounter LESS judgement for the drug use.

               I haven’t “cut” myself in years, but as I look to my future by healing my past I KNOW that I can’t forget the self-destructive behaviors I engaged in.  When I “cut” myself I felt a release, I felt a sense that I deserved the pain, but even more prevalent I felt control.  I felt that when I “cut” myself I was in control of my pain.  If felt no one could HURT me more than I could HURT MYSELF.

               Today I struggle to understand the state of mind and the pain I was in years ago when I hurt myself.  Today I understand that the pain that seemed so unbearable that I was willing to do ANYTHING to ease it, was only a moment in time.  Time can heal a person’s wounds, we only need to allow ourselves this time.  If you are in pain, try with everything in you to keep moving forward.  The future is unknowable, but it is able to be influenced.  Never give up, Never lose hope, and Never forget that YOU ARE WORTHY of HAPPINESS.

To the Universe

Love Brandy